Great story, but a lot of dead-ends and a bit linear. Plus, the name "Equilibrium" was the name of a movie from 2002, but it had a much different plot. It's a good movie. ANYWAY, compelling story, but too linear. 5/8
I thought this was pretty good! Made me think of the Matrix again as well :) I'm not a fan of random 'pick a door' type scenes, but the story element was really good, fast action, and I liked the true ending. Another great game by JJJ!
-- tsmpaul (Score of 0)
10/20/2007 10:45:10 PM:
7/8 I thought it was a great story with good writing. Great story.
A very nice bit of writing despite some grammatical and spelling errors. While I like some of your others stories better (simply because of their breadth), your writing has improved. I loved the beginning and the pace of the story, but I was a bit disappointed with character development/descriptions. I do realize, though, that you have 100 pages, and that it's difficult to build plot, characters, etc. within that constraint.
It was reminiscent of the Matrix and a nice effort. Great job, triple J!
as someone mentioned, a few grammatical errors were evident, but the story was quick and intense, no slow pace here. wasnt too pleased with the ending, but it did come to a finish nicely. and as promised i bumped up my rating.
wow... in the words of robot chicken, "What a twist!" lol! That was great, at first it was worth a 7 at least it was very good, but the ending just sold it, and bumped you up to an 8. It really reminded me of those old CYOA books, have you read some 3J lately, or what. Way to go!
There were a lot of editing errors that really bugged me. I'm no grammer or spelling nazi by any means, but when I am pulled out of a story by the spelling errors more than a few times, it really detracts from my enjoyment of a story.
Also, why the hell can I only rate and comment if I win? Someone who makes it a long way through your story and dies on the second to last page (pulling the wrong lever) should certainly have enough of an opinion formed to be able to rate the story.
The following are some of the spelling/grammer errors I found when reading (if you have time, please edit your story to correct these errors). These were pretty much my notes as I read, so there're some additional comments in there that have nothing to do with grammer/spelling.
In the market crowd the "sweat pours from your pores (haha get it?)" was a bit distracting. I mean, if the reader gets it they
-- donteatpoop (Score of 0)
10/13/2007 5:56:31 PM:
Wow. A very well organized game. It was fun. I really enjoyed it alot. Good job JJJ.