Comments on Albus Potter:The next Generation Year 1
I think you have a really good story. But you need to work on your grammar! It was really distracting with all the quotation marks- I wasn't sure when one person stopped talking and the next began. Also spelling and other general grammar needs to rechecked too. Another helpful tip I think would make this story even better is to add more descriptive words. Instead of saying "he said", say something like "he whispered". Make it feel more like a story and add more details. I think it would have been a much more enjoyable playing experience if you broke this up into the different seasons so that you wouldn't feel so rushed (and longer with the added details). You have a great idea here so keep working on it!!
Well, the options didn't really matter. I guess you can say this is more of a story. It was a nice try, but try to elaborate more. Provide extravagant details that can help to picture the scene or explain more distinctly of what is going on.
Not feature worthy. Not a CYOA. The title itself is a freakin spoiler. I doin't understand why it's featured. Please don't send me a thousand messages asking me why I hate you. I don't hate you. I just didn't like the game.
Definitely a strong effort. I have some difficulty with fan-fiction, especially Harry Potter, because Rowlings is such a great writer, so any attempt to extend her story would be difficult for even the best writer, much like Asimov's grandson messing with the Foundation Trilogy. Still, it was imaginative so I gave you a good rating. Minor spelling/grammatical errors that could be easily remedied. If you could apply this imagination to a unique story I think you'd do really well! Good job.
I don't know what to say. Its clear you put a lot of love and effort into this, and it was fairly enjoyable to read through. On the other hand NONE of the choices make any difference at all (for an adventure game this is a big no no, you could at least hav them effect interactiosn with characthers later or something, preferbly having them effect which ending you could get), the ending was really poor (its clear you were getting tired, and it is a long game. You should simply take a break and come back later, maye days later. Better than producing something beneath you), and you didn't proofread. Still an enjoyable enough game and I look forward to seeing more of your work
-- Paul (Score of 0)
9/15/2007 6:43:33 PM:
It's pretty good, and an idea, and can see this developing, but you need to improve your grammar and punctuation in this storygame. It also needs to be written with a little more effort. It was rushed, or at least looked that way, in many places, for example: "They talked for a while and then Albus said, "I'm going to kill you".
Well done on making a storygame, though, it's always great to read new stories. You had me intrigued to what happened next and I can tell you really thought about the storyline in this and how it weaves in with everything. Well done.
Plus: Very strong beginning, lots of choices, lots of length, an in-depth fanfic that shows a lot of knowledge of the HP world. Minus: Toward the end, started to feel rushed- more mistakes/ less words-- as if you were trying to hurry up and get it over with, lots and lots of unattributed dialogue incorrectly parsed made it hard to tell who was saying which lines sometimes. Overall-- very good effort!
+.+ Incredible! Great story with enough choices to have a good replay value. There were very few grammar mistakes; understandable. One of the best Fan Fics out there. Nicer that nice job!